I wish someone knew I wish someone understood what it feels like to feel this way. Is this what depression feels like? Do you all of a sudden become lazy, like you just want to stay in bed and nothing matters? Why is it that I want to be checked on and comforted, but I don’t want to be the one to seek comfort. Is this normal? Even though it feels as if I were alone, I know there’s many other strong people who feel like this on the inside, yet still manage to smile tat everyone on the outside.
I finally found a place to call home at the beginning of this month. An actual home with furniture, kitchenware, and a bed. It’s so common for us to take these things for granted because we think of them like normal items to own, but that’s not the case for everyone. Having a ‘home’, a living environment where you feel comfortable plays such a large role in a person’s mental and emotional well being. For the first few weeks, it was great, but then I fell back into a lull. I stopped writing for a while because of the move, but I’m trying to get back into my routine. As I begin writing again, it is inevitable to feel all the pain and heartbreak come back as vivid as before. I thought I was getting over it, but apparently not, so I’m trying to cope in the healthiest way I know: by writing. Yes, it does bring back negative memories, but reliving those memories is the only way to move forward and really dig into my soul to feel what still hurts and what no longer matters.
Bouncing from place to place: Living with (my now best friend), Maui, was a blessing because he not only offered me his bed, but his family also treated me as one of their own. This was not a temporary stay though, I hated the feeling of imposing on someone else. Many times Storm called crying and apologizing, and asking me to come home, but all I could do was weep into the phone. So many thoughts were in my head but my speech was gone, no matter how hard I tried, I just physically COULDN’T talk to him. I saw an ad on Craigslist offering a room in exchange for work. It was a guest house of 14 rooms and I was to clean them and respond to tourist inquiries. I took it out of necessity and because he was willing to allow me to have my dog. (Oh gosh, he was so weird, he gave me his laptop to work from and post pictures of the vacation home, but why didn’t he bother to delete all his dick pictures first?!) I knew it was going to be temporary; only three more weeks and I would be on my way to Mexico/California. You have no idea how badly I just wanted to stay in California with my mom; just stay and leave this nightmare behind, but of course, the court wanted me back. It was a vacation of over a month, but it was not enough time. Even in Mexico surrounded by family, I felt alone and betrayed. Storm was supposed to be here, he was supposed to be by my side at the Christmas table, he was supposed to be there drinking beer and tequila with me, but he wasn’t. I was the one giving my family explanations, lies, of what happened. “He just couldn’t come” was all that came out of my mouth but my eyes must have told the truth because instead of telling jokes and being nosy like usual, they would say uplifting things and stop asking questions. I think that whole winter vacation I was just a ball of sad vibes. Even now, it pisses me off that I had to cover for him because he wasn’t man enough to show his face, not even man enough to take responsibility for his own actions.
When I came back from vacation, one of my friends, Rosa, allowed me to crash in her studio, but this was temporary also. A sudio is meant for one person or a couple; even though I was extremely grateful, again, I did not want to impose on her privacy. I tried to look for a place, but no luck. All the places I looked into fell through and if it wasn’t the apartment, then the possible roommates all flaked. I thought I found a place so I told Rosa I was moving out, packed all my stuff and made those arrangements, however, on the day of it fell through. I ended up having to sleep on a friend’s couch for a week before I found some apartments. Luckily the landlord was willing to help me and pro-rated the rent for the rest of the month. I lived in the apartment without power or water for a week; showering at the beach and charging my phone at work. Luckily, someone let me have an air mattress, which was a lot better than the floor. The power company wouldn’t allow me to set up the power because my name was attached to our previous account and he owed money. GREAT, he was gone but still giving me hell. After a week, I was able to set the utilities up at home and able to find a roommate, however, he was always late for rent and late for bills. Oh, not to mention, my roommate was going through a difficult time also, so I tried to be there for him; the problem is that he was obsessed with me. He mistook my kindness as an invitation to corner me & try to kiss me every chance he got. It was horrible because of the act itself but also because he chewed betelnut & tobacco, so his breath smelled like death, even though he brushed his teeth! Even when I told him to stop he said he couldn’t help it. He was heartbroken, needy, intense, and always horny, but that’s another story in itself… It was a matter of time before I either got kicked out due to lack of payment or til he drove me crazy. Luckily, one day at the bar, I overheard one of the customers say he rented an extra studio and of course, I jumped on it at lightning speed. I was so thankful, this place had a yard for Prince, unlimited AC, a pool, and an awesome landlord. My poor Prince, always by my side even when he had to sleep outside, he never left; he deserved the world and this was finally going to be it.
The relationship: Upon my return from Mexico, Storm picked me up from the airport alongside Prince. It was supposed to be my friend Maui watching Prince because well, did I mention that one morning I was scrolling through my FB feed before rolling out of bed only to find out Storm had LOST our dog?? I found out about it through a Lost & found post for missing pets on FB. I was soooo livid, yet helpless. How could he not tell my my baby was missing?! I passed along the information about Prince’s whereabouts and asked Maui to pick him up and watch him for the rest of my ‘vacation’. Turns out Storm arranged to pick Prince up from Maui and took him back. Anyway, after three months of not seeing Storm, it was odd, yet relieving. The feelings were still there; all of them, and it was a shit show of emotions. It turns out he had gotten kicked out of our old place for not paying the rent, so he was staying with a friend. I had nowhere to go either, so I crashed with him there. We spend the next few days crying, talking, and re-visiting our mistakes, but more than anything, we spent the time in each others’ arms. Truth was I missed him and I never stopped loving him, let alone thinking of him. It was like being in a honeymoon stage all over again…. Until he broke some news to me: he had gotten a job on the island of Saipan that would allow him to work toward his captain’s license, which was what he was supposed to be doing on Guam but couldn’t complete due to unforeseen circumstances. I can’t tell you how much it broke me on the inside, but I couldn’t let him stay. No matter how much I loved him, no matter how much I needed him, he had to go and accomplish his goals. Even though he offered to stay and I said no, I was still mad at
him the situation for going. I don’t know, I guess I wanted him to choose to stay on his own, but then again, I always told myself I would never stand in the way of someone’s dreams, even if it meant losing the person I love. Women are complicated, geez. Only the universe knows why it does these things, but maybe time apart was good; either way, I tried to remain optimistic.
I only saw Storm for about a week before he had to leave and honestly it wasn’t enough time to mend the huge gap between us. We decided we still wanted to be together; we would await my case to finish and he would work on his captain’s license, then when all was done, we would move to Hawaii and buy a house, where we would bring my mom to live with us. Easy, right?! It was hard to keep a relationship strong upon an unstable foundation and long distance. He was out at sea often, so sometimes we wouldn’t talk for long periods of time. Meanwhile, I was still on Guam looking for a place to sleep and trying to keep Prince with me. It pissed me off that I was still dealing with his mess while he was off living happy and dandy, but I knew these were just negative emotions brought on by the frustration of my situation. If I wanted to make this relationship work, I was going to have to forgive entirely. Some nights I would just stay at the beach gazing at the stars and longing for my life to be normal again. It was the loneliest I have ever felt in my life. I would wish with all my might for a phone call from Storm, even when I knew he was on land, because I needed someone to talk to, to cry to, and be comforted. No matter how hard I wished, nothing ever came; we argued over the phone and we would stop talking for days; it was the worst. Eventually I broke again and decided I was doing myself so much more harm by waiting and wishing for something that was never come. I guess in my mind I was wishing for some sort of deeper apology and overcompensation for what he did, but that’s my own fault for having such ridiculously high expectations. I blocked his number and his profile from all social media and my phone. Not because I was being immature, but because it was hurting me more to see his face and posts about him doing so well while I was dying just in need of a friend. So selfish, I know, but at this point I was having negative thoughts about myself and wanting to end life, so I had to attempt to look out for myself just a little.
I didn’t see Storm again until four months later or so, on a voyage he made to Guam. When I saw him it was only for one day; again, not enough time to talk about anything that happens, just enough time to embrace the other and enjoy time with our boy Prince, and of course have sex. At the end of the day, I dropped him off at the marina and watched his sailboat disappear into the horizon. Once again, I was left with my thoughts and tears. I hated it, but little by little I was learning to keep it together and not express my negative feelings when things were going well. You see, even when we were together and I was happy, somewhere inside of me was always a vortex of confusion and sadness, but I could never put my finger on why.We eventually began to speak on the phone from time to time and keep in touch, but I still kept him blocked on social media, I don’t know what kind of coping mechanism this is, but it’s my way of slowly easing into things.
The second time I saw Storm was the first week of July. This time, he stayed for a week. It was the first time we had slept together since January. It was so weird to be in his arms again, yet so natural. Like every part of his body was meant for me because no matter where I lay my head, it fit perfectly with his chest. It was like our relationship was still the same; we laughed, we held hands, hugged, everything was the exact same, except that from time to time, I could feel a familiar sadness brewing inside of me when we were together. It came at the most random times, like when we were watching a movie or swimming in the pool. I looked into his eyes and instead of joy all I could feel was sadness. WHY? The only explanation I could give myself that made sense was that I am still heartbroken, which leads up to the third part of this adventure. I am soo confused as to what I am feeling now. Is t is possible to regain the trust that has completely been drained in a relationship? How do you know when you no longer love someone? What is it that I am experiencing? So many damn questions!