I haven’t written on here in a while but yesterday’s meeting with my attorney has inspired me once again to express my emotions on here. It was a meeting to show me the possible plea deal the attorney general was giving me. I knew it was going to come but I wasn’t prepared for the anger Mr. Bates had against me, even after a whole year.
Just to summarize: I made a mistake in September 2017 that could have been easily resolved. Unfortunately, the person I pissed of was a dark human being. Mr. Bates was a rich, well connected, greedy, cocky, arrogant, and ‘one upper’, jerk. You could have the latest Samsung in your hand and he would say “No, that’s an iPhone”. Umm no, it says on the box, ‘Samsung’. “No, that’s an iPhone, I know phones and that’s an iPhone, you’re wrong”. I you bought the latest Samsung phone, he would always one-up you and show up with a Samsung ‘Mega LTX One Hundred’ the next day. He didn’t know how to be happy for someone, instead he would make sure you knew, he was in charge and he knew it all. What causes you to be so unhappy in life that you feel the need to f*** up someone’s life just to prove a point? Anyway, Bates was able to call in special favors and pull strings in order to have be arrested, charged, and if that wasn’t enough, he wrote an article trashing my name and had it published and released to the whole island. At the same time this was going on, I was dealing with a toxic relationship which led to the beginning stages of depression. One day he ended up kicking me out of the house in a fit of rage and that’s when I decided to leave him. I was homeless for seven months and my one close friend left the island due to her military husband. The person I trusted most turned their back on me and I had no family. It sent me into a spiral of darkness, hopelessness, depression, and thoughts of suicide.
It’s been a long road, an extremely long year awaiting for some kind of resolution so I can finally leave Guam and see my family. Yesterday was the meeting I had been anticipating for a year and I was incredibly happy to finally hear some progress was being made, but I walked out the office in tears. The hardest points on the plea deal were this: 1. Three years probation (not a problem), but ON GUAM. The attorney said if I complete all the requirements set forth, we can file for early termination of probation and I might be able to leave, but it’s not for sure. 2. I need to pay a fine of $5,500 ALL AT ONCE OR ELSE I GO TO JAIL. It’s not going to jail that scares me, it’s myself. Knowing that Bates would be sending me back into that dark hole I fought so so damn hard to get out of. I would lose my job once again and be homeless. Why is the system designed for people to fail?
Since the incident, I’ve been working on being a better person; emotionally, mentally, and as a working member of the community. I worked 3 bar tending jobs for a while and was recently hired for an organization that does outreach for low income families, provides scholarships, feeds the homeless, and works with abuse victims, all while being a 24 hour childcare center. Through the organization I was also able to get certified in Youth Mental Health First Aid, which teaches you how to be better equipped to aid youth who are at risk of suicide.
I spent the morning crying because I remembered the darkness. Losing everything or going to jail aren’t scary, it would be unfortunate but those can be rebuilt. I’m scared of losing myself again, especially when I haven’t even completely found her. I never want to feel that hopelessness that weighed on me for an eternity. Why is Bates doing this? What scarred him so badly that the only way he can get satisfaction is by ruining someone? How am I going to come up with all that money to avoid losing everything? Who will my dog stay with? I just want to move on and succeed in life but it seems like every time I take a step forward my life takes two back…. help.