Remember when you were in high school and the worst thing ever was having boy-or girl- problems? It was like nobody understood what you were going through and you didn’t know how you were going to make it another day in those hallways. Looking back, it all seems so silly, but what nobody ever told me was that it happens again later on in life; except with more serious problems. Such as losing a job, having bills to pay but no money, losing your home, and not knowing how you’re going to make it another day through this hell. People always say the same thing; “it will all pass, and one day you will look back and laugh at it all”. In some form I always knew that, but it was the process of it ‘passing’ that was hell. It seems like it will never end and shit just keeps coming your way because anyone who has the luck I do knows that when it rains, it pours. Today though, and maybe for a week now, I think I am slowly smiling at the past.
The storm isn’t over yet though, far from it. There’s this man who has an ego larger than Trump’s desire to build a wall, and I pissed him off. He wants to put me in jail and I’m in danger of losing every damn thing I own again; he is powerful too, so odds are he will get his way, especially on this corrupt island. Despite that though, for the past week I have been going to bed with a smile and the best part is, when I wake up, it’s still there. There’s no doubt in my mind that the scariest part of being lost isn’t what’s happening to you, it’s what’s happening inside of you. I don’t know why the universe puts fucked up shit in people’s lives, especially those who don’t deserve it, but for the ones who make it through those dark times, the light at the end of the tunnel is different, it’s earned and well deserved. I say ‘ones who make it’ because unfortunately, not everyone is strong enough to battle their inner demons. Some succumb to the claws of the darkness and find their peace in ending the pain.
For the longest time, about a year now, I avoided mirrors. I stopped putting effort into my looks, and used them only to make sure my appearance was just ‘okay’ enough to be out in public, 5 seconds tops. I couldn’t stand the face looking back at me, it was unknown and looked like a hideous beast, in all aspects possible. You never really realize how many reflections there are until you try avoiding them all; the car rearview mirror, the windows when opening the car, the glass doors at the stores, etc… Every single time I looked in the mirror for longer than 5 seconds, I’d want to smash it. There was anger in my eyes, sadness, disgust, and desire to die, all in one gaze. The second thing I stopped doing was listening to music; my car rides turned silent and the dryer/washer were the only noise in the house when doing chores. Every lyric and every cord struck made me want to cry, so I took that away from myself too. I stopped liking myself and everything was dark. There’s only one thing that I never stopped doing, and that was loving Prince. When all I wanted to do was lay in darkness, he was there reminding me of the light.
For anyone going through the worst bullshit they’ve ever gone through, hang on and keep going. When you see the light, it all becomes worth the pain and you are no longer the same person. You become stronger, wiser, and resilient. So many times I wished I had someone, anyone to talk to, but for some reason, it felt like I couldn’t be the one to do it, they had to come to me. The mind is a scary place and works in unknown ways, but I get it so, this is me reaching out. I may not know anyone’s story or struggles, but I do know the darkness. Even though it feels like you are alone, there are many people out there lost in their mind and fighting to find themselves, I am only one of those people, and I can honestly say yes, it does get better. You are not alone and if you need a stranger to talk to about anything, I can be that stranger.