How shitty is it to meet someone amazing and they are leaving the island for good? Ahhhhh……! So, previously, I posted about being tired of crying and being heartbroken over Storm; since then, I’ve just been living for myself. No thinking about the current court case I have, not thinking about all the bullshit I’ve gone through these past two years, simply just healing. I began crushing on someone and I am happy for the first time in a very long time. Just living for myself, healing the wounds and having fun. This crush of mine though, is a woman…how did this happen?!

A week has gone by and it’s been a pleasant new experience. Not just her but all of me. I’ve slowly found a niche and began rebuilding my social life after two years. For the past week, I have been doing so much blow and drinking, never out of control, but just right to make it be fun the next day. Not the best choice, I know, and the fact that my new job has not begun. I’m ready to give it all up for my dream job, which I applied to today (WOO!), but until then, I’m making memories so I can buckle down when the time comes.

Anyway, let’s call this chick, Lluvia, the most attractive girl ever. Her vibes are great and I love how she is always unforgiving-ly her self. What I hate is that we only act most when we are drunk, but maybe it’s just because its something new still. The furthest we ever got one night was her trying to pull my pants off and let me tell you…I freaked out. It was terrifying scary because I was stupidly nervous. The little inexperienced 14 yr old in me came out and I ruined it by not letting myself relax enough to have a good time, but I’m working on that. This is the first crush I’ve had in years; since Storm to be exact. I have been immature in relationships and somehow cheated on every single guy I’ve been with (I later had a serious discussion about this with myself), except Storm. Ever since we began dating, I’ve only had eyes for him so this crush is pretty awesome. No, I’m not going to fall head over heels, but it does suck that our time is limited because she’s living the military and moving back state side.

Another way I know I’m healing is because my sexual drive has increased. It has been soooo long since I craved sex; anger, depression, and anxiety were always weighing down on me but now; geez, I can’t get it off my mind. Unfortunately, I’m too shy to actually put myself out there, I have to be comfortable with someone or extremely attracted to them, or flat out desperate, to have sex with a stranger.

I’m not sure why the world is being rough and not letting me know more of this chick, but in this exact moment, it doesn’t really matter. As much as I would love to see her again, I am HAPPY. Meeting her definitely has had some impact but I think I’m finally at that stage we call ‘acceptance’. Shit happens and mental health is real, but if we just keep pushing hard enough, the sun rays will always be shining, even in the darkest of times.


Also, I originally began this blog as an outlet and don’t use real names because I didn’t want ANYBODY I knew finding out about my life in the last two years. Maybe someone will find out, maybe they won’t. I’ve decided to leave my Insta account in case you want to see blue beaches, jungle, my best friend, Prince, the occasional selfie, but mainly pictures of my dog.  It’s a small world and maybe eventually someone out there will know me, but I’ll cross that bridge when I get there. Follow if you like, but remember, I’m a real human being like many others who have struggled with poor mental health and depression at one point. I’ve made mistakes and shit happens, but best of all, I’m still learning.  If anybody ever needs a listening ear, I promise not to judge, so don’t judge me, I’m just trying to make the best out of life. 

@TOXIK___  (three underscores)

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