It’s been a long two years on this rock and I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. It breaks my heart and I’m having major anxiety about sending my doggo, Prince back ‘home’. It is extremely stressful and expensive; in two days I’ve spent more than $1,500 on his airline ticket, kennel, and veterinary health certificate. I am so happy that he does not have to go through quarantine like when he came to Guam. That would be another $1,000 for blood tests and kennels. Gosh how am I going to survive these next few months without the only constant friend I’ve had on this island? He’s stuck with me through the toxic relationship, homelessness, unemployment, heartbreak, depression, and self harm, but most importantly, through my resurrection.
I am not quite ready to say good-bye to the island yet, I still need to close the court case and pay $5,000 to some rich, old, entitled prick before I can buy my freedom. The break up with Storm, his departure, this entanglement with the law have left me more than emotionally exhausted; it has left me broken. At first all I wanted was to see my family and be surrounded by the love I lost, however, through much time and billions of gallons of tears later, I can say I still want that, but I won’t settle. Mistakes happen, people happen, life happens, sh*it HAPPENS but as long as I keep living in the shadows and constantly beating myself up for it, I won’t be able to heal. Setting off on this Guam adventure has sent my life into complete chaos, even regretted it at one point, but I refuse to settle, give up on my dreams, or go back to living with my mom for an extended period of time. I love her but it’s definitely not the same after you’ve been on your own for so long. I can’t exactly “wake and bake” or come home intoxicated even though I’m 25 without feeling some kind of shame, but on the plus side, she spoils me with delicious tacos de asada with green salsa. I don’t see myself working a typical 9-5 in California without getting bored at some point either, so after much deliberation I think I finally came up with a plan.
Guam and I are going to enjoy the last few months we have left together, while I bust my ass and make money. I don’t care if I have one or three jobs, after Prince is gone, nobody is going to be waiting for me at home (trying not to cry as I think about that), so that money will go toward my travels. I plan to dive Palau, hopefully Chuuk, Thailand, and then, go to California to visit friends/family for a short period and find my way down to Mexico. When I have some spare time I am going to research different hotel/dive centers in the Gulf of Mexico/Yucatan area that appeal to me AND are hiring. After all, I am bilingual, educated- to some extent, and have gained a plethora of experience in the hospitality industry (although yesterday I was turned down from a job for being “too qualified”…What the flying f***?). Once I attain a job there, hopefully with a sweet contract, I can move an explore a different country all while being close to home. I plan to make it there all by myself and meet all kinds of people.
Hopefully my time here will have prepared me enough for what is to come. I’d be lying if I said I’m okay. I cry every other day and occasionally have meltdowns, but they are happening less and I’m smiling more. It’s not even more smiling honestly, it’s the fact that I am no longer interested in what people think about me. If you like me, good, let’s be friends, if not, then good for you also. These kinds of plans are what I think about and what I need to keep myself motivated. When I begin my journey I plan to document the journey; from the food, culture, people, airplane rides, diving, nightlife, etc. I want to be completely emerged in the countries I visit and make new memories. This blog site is allows me to write more personal things going on in my life because nobody on island knows about it, I use fake names, and everyone needs an outlet. Maybe eventually it will come to the lights but by then, I’ll be far far away. So for my future journey, I plan to continue using WordPress as my RAW outlet, if you haven’t noticed I can be a bit crude sometimes, fuck it. Instagram will be like my photo album, and Facebook- a more friendly update on the adventures to come (just because all my family has added me already and I can’t post things like ‘yeah met some strippers, did a couple lines of coke and went on a booze cruise, not that that actually happened, but hey you never know). There’s currently 150 of pictures on my Instagram which depict most of Guam’s adventures since I made it when I moved here. If you would love to see amazing tropical sunsets, history relics, underwater adventures, scenic shots, the most photogenic dog you’ve ever seen, and explore the world through pictures you can follow @ TOXIK___ (three underscores), and be prepared for the occasional selfie.
And as always: I never know who is really reading my stuff on the other end of their computer screen, but I do know people go through things. We may not know each other but if you ever need a random stranger to talk to, I’m here. Take care of mental health, emotional well being and simply yourself. ♥
*By the way, if you have never heard about Palau or Chuuk, you are MISSING OUT. Google it now.